Even If i could stop these echoes of your voice in my head, I wouldn't! Your altered twang when you said "sorry" , your laugh, your soft hair, the way you would hit me and run away when I ruffled your hair, The cuddles you let me give you, tutoring you, none of it will ever leave me Micah. I wont let it.
Every unspoken moment and every moment that I will wish you were still around will remind me of it all.
Your gentle but perturbed soul, the anger that you held in so tight, the look in your eyes that always made me want to tell you how much you mean to me, and now I will.
I love you. You were nothing short of family. Ever since you were born with your epic baby mohawk and your big round eyes, I knew I would love you. And I do. Your hair remained epic and your eyes unchanged but look how destiny changed everything else. You grew up so beautifully quiet, giggling, smiling shyly and so incredibly lovable. Every time  you came home from school, you brought a little warmth inside my heart and no matter how little time we actually spent together the fact that I remember every bit of it reverberates the intensity of that I felt for you Michs.
All   I want now for you is that your spirit be comforted by God in an eternal embrace. 20 years doesn't suffice in love, no amount of time ever does. Its how love works. It does not fail, it does not perish.

Im glad we had "our moments" Michu, the ones that were exclusive to you and me. Im glad that two awkwardly shy people like us opened up to those moments,little did we know they would end. I love how our stupid pokemon nicknames never got too kiddish to continue.

Every word will fall short of how Im feeling just having to accept this horrid fact but every pang in my heart will constantly remind me of how much you mean to me

Love you baby brother <3 p="">Squirtle....:)

"my own two hands will comfort you tonight,tonight say when"

You're lying there ,so far away. motionless and all I can do is fall back and forth into moments of reminiscing when we last talked, last met, the last time I played with your hair while I try to continue living as though everythings ok. Its really not ok. Im terrified for you. For all of us. Cause its not fair that you have to go through this right now.Heck it would never seeem fair to me even if you were 60 and not 20. Youre not allowed to be this way because it hurts SO much. Helpless hurt.
My little "baby follie" Every feeling of mine is a prayer for you to bounce back to normal life, every wish I make will make its way to you and Sach because nothing will ever feel right again if this doesnt fix itself.
I've held you in a surreal embrace ever since I heard and I wont let you be in this alone.
I LOVE you and you already know :)
But I would give anything to have u text me with a reassuring "squirtle" message. Please?:(

Fleeting time and disaster after disaster, stoic beings we've all become. Me too. Whats the sense in worrying, I remind myself. The world was always wicked, we were just sheltered right?wrong. Wickedness has clearly reached its all time high and I'm not afraid to say, its saddening. I do NOT like it one bit.
Sometimes i think and i think and I find so many things that sadden me and then I run to a happy place, I close my eyes and imagine i'm sitting with God in a silent embrace and as more things burden me the more i want to retreat to that place with Him.
An eternal mental frown, my spiritual limbs sometimes are so sluggish with the weight of all that is, that my overdose of physical chirpiness is just plain annoying to me. I wish there was a balance of spirit and body and I'm sure there is. If only I could find it soon. I think I could genuinely feel the happiness that was meant for me,then. no?
I wonder how many people I know closely feel that happiness. The only feelings I'm certain I feel are love and compassion. My favourite. The feeling of wanting to squish people and cuddle attack them! The feeling of looking in the wistful eye of a stranger and telling them "not all is lost" without saying it.
Walking around in a city like mine, we re so subconsciously barred from opening up to a stranger lest he be a rapist or a thief or misconstrue what you're saying. I know a lot of us have spirits of compassion stifled under the fear of wickedness that surrounds us. Sometimes its pleasant to see this spirit overflow through someones eyes. Its like a spirit hug. Im a sucker for those! By far the best feeling ever.
A man, blind from one eye stood  close to me today in the train and you know what, It threw me off guard that there was no filthy vibe from this man. I half wanted to hug the pain away but you know I dint of course. Thats where these spirit hugs come into play. The pain was pretty strong and my eyes welled up and I felt helpless. Not even my silent plea of blessings could settle it. Then he spoke. He asked me if the train was going to his destination and I said it wasnt. Words of encourage were bitten back and I seemingly indifferently told him where he could get off and catch the train he needed. My silent prayer will do him some good but where was my human prayer of gestures? Sometimes people need a display to make all that difference to a broken spirit.
On  a happier note, I read about some sweet acts of kindness on facebook. yay.
Here's sending out a giant hug to everyone who needs it.

LURVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

When something or somebody refuses to leave your mind , does it mean that they are supposed to be there?

Approach number #1 "I will try and forget that place/moment/person/pretty dress/ambition"

 Which reads, I will distract myself with things as different from the thing I am trying to forget. Does evading something truly ensure erasing it from your list of desires?

Approach number #2 " God will fight this battle"

I love God and ideally there should be no "but's" in love, BUT the conflict in the mind is NOT pleasant while waiting. actually not much is pleasant about waiting.

Approach #3"Lets numb ourselves and pretend its all ok"

Well isn't this one just a JOY!? playing pretend never really stops for us, does it? For some one us our numbness comes from drinking or smoking pain away and for some it comes from glorifying "busy". Either way all numbness fades away  and all pretense has moments of uncovering.

OUCH, Because its inevitable. Specially for the overly curious such as me. It troubles not to know "what could have been" or "what lies ahead" and Just focus on now when now isn't even promising anything.

I always felt like time was walking parallel and suddenly its racing , its competing like everyone around me. Its times like this when you realize the urgency of people who have lived the full lives on earth and the worst part is thats all it will ever be, a realization of fleeting time.

Are you wasting time dwelling on what if's too? Do you believe its worth the loss? Are we mocking the gifts that we are meant to be using? Or is this part of what is planned for us? Is it insignificant? Is it petty or does it deserve the careful thought its being given? Is it the end of a season or a break in it? I wish I knew but i really don't.

And then I hear it over and over again

"Not YET"  

Of coffee,blog posts and you! Tonight is a toast to everything that refuses to leave my mind. I've decided to honor this portal of adolescent rants after almost a year,because i have grown up. (because I've had too much coffee and cannot sleep)
oh coffee, I'd long forgotten how much love for you i could contain. Clearly tonight, I have pushed that limit! Build up of emotion leads to these things, no? It made me want to try an unconventional brew. By unconventional I only mean I tried whipping milk! Did it work???? BLWHA. It only gave me the joy of a few extra foamy bubbles on the top of my cuppa.I'll tell you what did work though, the CAFFEINE! Sweet buzz giving caffeine...memories of what was...sigh..
Oh Melbourne, the land of many a cuppa . The solitary ones, the romantic ones, the independent ones, the ones in class, the ones spilling out whilst running to class.... I want them all back!
Some of my most memorable cofeexperiences :
So that one time,  I was lost( one of many glorious times) around Parliament station, waiting for my flatmates Jo and Dan while they were at a Tutankhamen exhibition that i gave up to grace the immigration office with my hopeless case! (excuse horrible syntax!) So it was bad enough that i missed the exhibition because(bite me cos I come from a land of elastic time and i think that ALL immigration offices takes as much time to function as they do in my homeland) what i thought would take all day took 15 mins but then i got lost on the way to finding them! Then it happened...one thing led to another and I had my first one day stand!
With white hot chocolate of course. I knowwww it isn't coffee and I know Its not that exciting to know about. But oh boy, was it exciting in all other ways. I stopped to ask for directions and it was just there trying to brew me...and it did... I was all souled out . I sat there in blissful oblivion. Tutankhamen had no more room in my what if's and Jo and Dan were non existent briefly.
My favorite coffee moments were the morning ones. With my then newly acquired skill of making cafe worthy latte's(i was told ) i took on the wifey duties of making breakfast and coffee for the flatmate. 7:11, wake up...walk to kitchen... stir till my arms felt worked out...and pop it into the microwave while i woke up.
It didn't matter that it wasn't for me because that's what coffee does...its strangely love inducing!
I've also had tons of coffee made for me too. Brings me to a level of respect for the beverage and all the joy it has brought me. Whether it was brought, lusted after , made for me, given to someone else, passed by in aisle 4 at safeway it has always made me linger and feel good.

 One day I will tell you all about my love for energy drinks!

Goodnight world