A New Goodbye

Goodbye, Goodbye to another experience.
In the past 21 years 11 months and 12 days I've had to bid farewell to so many phases,people,possessions that you'd think that i would be used to it by now.Fact is, i still hate goodbyes, most of us do. I've seen sweet goodbye's , bitter ones, excrutiatingly painful ones,ones that forced me to grow up and some temporary ones but this one....its still nothing i have ever felt.
Sometimes just the thought of the word floating around in my head makes me teary eyed. I think i have a repulsion to the word! Im at the end of another road today and i cant even say ive felt this before. I have never felt so deliriously happy,anxious,scared,sad,awkward,angry all at one time and i dont like this strange unfamiliar feeling!I want to runnnn in this open field ahead of me and embrace my new freedom and yet i want to hold on to my daddys leg and bawllll my heart out, i want to cling to my mommy's dress and not to go school, i want to hug my best friends and never let go of the moment, i want to be so in love,i want to play with my sisters hair and trouble her till she kicks me out of the room, i want to sit at office and play games:P , i want to be goofy and call people names, i want to be serious and work hard, iwant to be there for people, i want to gossip with my cousins and have sleepovers .....but i have to let go now.Maybe temporarily....Maybe permanently.
........................................... *blink**blink*...................................................
I've always dreamt that i would live alone one day, study, meet people, travel, and i imagined it to the T! The clothes , the hair , the shoes, the stride ...everything. And now i 'v reached that place. Im right there!! Where i dreamt i would be...but then why doesnt it feel so great?Why do i want to hold on??
Im trying to identify this feeling so it feels familar enough to comfort me but as i scan through all the goodbye's i cant place my finger on this feeling. Nope, not when i finally gave away my favourite plaid red skirt that i wore for like 9 years, Not when left school, not when my friends moved to different countries, Not when i realised i had grown up, I;ve never felt this feeling. This is a new goodbye.
This is what i thought was a small goodbye, but i was wrong. This is the biggest Goodbye ive had to face so far. Because its not a definate goodbye.Its tentative, its indecisive,its fogging up the road ahead and honestly it makes me want to just be sick.
But im here and im facing it. Because when i made this decision , i knew i'd have to embrace change .I may have not known how soon or how drastic the change may be but now i do.
I am now a walking  talking build up of emotions,fears,dreams,aspirations walking towards the future that is out to hit me like an icy torrent of rain that will wash away some of things that i want to so badly hold on to but in turn will clean out all the unwanted dirt and quench my thirst of living a new life.
And now ive come to realise that what i want, what i need and what i will get might never ever be the same thing.:)


*sigh*
Goodbye, life as i knew it.

Tomato Wafer Theory

So , we decide to go buy some different munchies today for tea time and we spend the last 10 mins of our break trying to select  from the widest possible range of wafers, scanning every ingredient, shape,size, etc. Some catch our attention and for a split second we may even consider buying it but 10 mins later when we walk out , its still the same old, same packet as always with the orangey coloured Tomato wafers!
Now who would think that our buying patterns could actuallly symbolize the way we make some choices in life? But the 2 of us, with our clearly evident aquarian eccentric brains came up with the Tomato Wafer Theory of life.
 Now we know that sometimes this unconditional love for tomato wafers could lead to trouble, its wayyy too unhealthy sometimes and sometimes we know that its not needed in our life , then why do we still crave it everyday? Because its familiar? Because its always been there ? Because it tastes so good?Because when the sweet wafers touch our lips its worth all the wait ?We had a choice of at least 55 different types of wafers and biscuits , some healthy, some fried,some baked, some sweetened, soem spicy and basically all of them very different to our everyday choice but we still walked out of that store , stupidly happy with our choice liek it was the first time we had ever tried it.
Now even though it seems that im totallly dissing such consistent behavior, im not!Our consistent decision stems from the fact that we are grounded and we are loyal and we always stand by somethin we love. As retarded as it may sound, today the TWT totally cracked us up and made us realise that even though there are thigns we dislike thrown at us, even though our plans may not work out according to what we thought they'd be , we stay put in our beliefs and trust that all goes well with this decision that we've made.
In the lunch hour of our lives, those 10 mins of battle between the consitent mind and the wavering one , could make or break relationships,friendships or decisions we;ve made before.
To the Tomato Wafer Theory....cheers!:P


[ totally dedicated to shiv...who helped come up with this insightful theory on a totaly comical day!!]