A New Goodbye

Goodbye, Goodbye to another experience.
In the past 21 years 11 months and 12 days I've had to bid farewell to so many phases,people,possessions that you'd think that i would be used to it by now.Fact is, i still hate goodbyes, most of us do. I've seen sweet goodbye's , bitter ones, excrutiatingly painful ones,ones that forced me to grow up and some temporary ones but this one....its still nothing i have ever felt.
Sometimes just the thought of the word floating around in my head makes me teary eyed. I think i have a repulsion to the word! Im at the end of another road today and i cant even say ive felt this before. I have never felt so deliriously happy,anxious,scared,sad,awkward,angry all at one time and i dont like this strange unfamiliar feeling!I want to runnnn in this open field ahead of me and embrace my new freedom and yet i want to hold on to my daddys leg and bawllll my heart out, i want to cling to my mommy's dress and not to go school, i want to hug my best friends and never let go of the moment, i want to be so in love,i want to play with my sisters hair and trouble her till she kicks me out of the room, i want to sit at office and play games:P , i want to be goofy and call people names, i want to be serious and work hard, iwant to be there for people, i want to gossip with my cousins and have sleepovers .....but i have to let go now.Maybe temporarily....Maybe permanently.
........................................... *blink**blink*...................................................
I've always dreamt that i would live alone one day, study, meet people, travel, and i imagined it to the T! The clothes , the hair , the shoes, the stride ...everything. And now i 'v reached that place. Im right there!! Where i dreamt i would be...but then why doesnt it feel so great?Why do i want to hold on??
Im trying to identify this feeling so it feels familar enough to comfort me but as i scan through all the goodbye's i cant place my finger on this feeling. Nope, not when i finally gave away my favourite plaid red skirt that i wore for like 9 years, Not when left school, not when my friends moved to different countries, Not when i realised i had grown up, I;ve never felt this feeling. This is a new goodbye.
This is what i thought was a small goodbye, but i was wrong. This is the biggest Goodbye ive had to face so far. Because its not a definate goodbye.Its tentative, its indecisive,its fogging up the road ahead and honestly it makes me want to just be sick.
But im here and im facing it. Because when i made this decision , i knew i'd have to embrace change .I may have not known how soon or how drastic the change may be but now i do.
I am now a walking  talking build up of emotions,fears,dreams,aspirations walking towards the future that is out to hit me like an icy torrent of rain that will wash away some of things that i want to so badly hold on to but in turn will clean out all the unwanted dirt and quench my thirst of living a new life.
And now ive come to realise that what i want, what i need and what i will get might never ever be the same thing.:)


*sigh*
Goodbye, life as i knew it.