2 days to go.... a new year....but you know what... its not exciting me. I dont know if it will NEVER excite me again or whether its just this year or whether its just today.Brings me to think of how we reallly do NOT know whats in store for us, next year, next minute, next second even and because its not in our control we tend to create little multiple possibilities of what might happen so that we have some satisfaction. Control freaks...thats what we have become! We need to know everything and no mattter how much we may say we're taking things as they come , we cant, not genuinely because in our brains theres always a "this could happen or that might just happen".We have this unconscious tendency to control ourselves to an extent that we do not know how to truly let go and see what God has in store for us. Creator of everything we know, c'mon  you'd think He'd have at least a leeeetle more wisdom than we think we have? Wheres the trust.?
I know...WAYYY easier said than done. When you have these plans in your head and more often than not they do not go according to our fantastic pre planned direction , we jsut cannot see beyond the road block.All we can see is this poisonous smoke screen of anger and frustration because this isnt what WE WANTED. God, this isnt what i ordered!! i want my money back!!
Really? we dont have even the slightest reason to be angry or mad .Half the things that are thrown at us are either so because theres soemthing crazilly exciting in store for us soon or because we have slowly ventured into them ourselves. Suck it up. deal with it:)
So yeah, how is this new year going to be different? i dont know. i do know that today was different from what i thought it would be. Very different. No i did not like it , more like detested it. Like nail biting, hair pulling,ears smoking, eyes wellling up , heading spinning  DIFFERENT.Iwanted to be singing a happy song, instead im blaring linkin park's oh -so- apt lyrics and humming the  blues. Is this what i wanted??NEVER. But its what i got.Spoilt for choice. Ive been spoilt for choice. Always got what i wanted in life ,never known this feeling(or ive forgotten it) and now i have to face it.And even though i do not ever stick to my new years resolutions i want to try and be thankful this year. I always felt like its somehting only old people do on their death bed but life is starting to get too unpredictable:P old people are becommin young, young peopel old, guys liek guys, people live in their past, some in the future, kids get kids, we live ina loony world , loony enough to make some of us want to live straight lives!
so point being...Thank, appreciate, live,love,forgive,and respect. The hardest resolutions to ever stick to but the msot essential and also the most forgotten amidst our every day issues. Not jsut for this new year but evey minute that you are kept alive.
=)
Here's to a grateful new year and a fruitful life that we may learn to appreciate our lives, our relationships and that we may learn to acknowledge our blessings !!
Muchhhh love
Tee =)

Just another day, or so it seems,
They still dont seem to hear ,his supressed screams,
He hides in the darkness,that they dont see him tremble,
With fear that their curses,might make him crumble.

With bloodshot eyes ,so blurry they could be blind,
With an excruciating pain,that he tries to leave behind.
With a broken heart,struck down each time it heals,
With skin so thick, he not so sure he even feels.

Curled on the floor, trying to ignore the rejection
Hopes the moonlight on his hair, will steal away all tension,
Biting hard to trap in all emotion
Its chewing him up inside,this hurt,this erosion.

And as he wallows in this daily horror,
He tries to reason,tries to make it clearer
He cries out to the heavens , hope dimmmed but strong in faith nonetheless,
He knows there's only one way out, one way out of this mess.

Cuddled up in a heavenly embrace,
heavy head lightened, no more burdened with disgrace.
magically graced with forgiveness, the fury ,it disappears
strength to trap in the tears, strength to face all his fears

Im listening to Heaven after SO so so long. *smiles* i Love what this song does to me. No matter what im feeling outside the 4:05 mins of this song, And right now, amidst all the chaos, its a welcome catharsis.
15 :08 mins of silence later, its amazing how moods can change,ehehe. I want angry music now!!!! Grrr....
write again in a bit...toodles!!

*breatheeeeeS......breathhhess again harder....breathes....SCREAMS!!!!*

Lifehouse - breathing

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again


Though I don't really know what

I am gonna do when I get there

Take a breath and hold on tight

Spin around one more time

And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am hanging on every word you say

And even if you don't want to speak tonight

That's alright, alright with me

'Cause I want nothing more than to sit

Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing

Is where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows

Of my mind into the truth and

I'm trying to identify

The voices in my head

God, which one's you?

Let me feel one more time

What it feels like to feel

And break these calluses off me

One more time
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say

And even if you don't want to speak tonight

That's alright, alright with me

'Cause I want nothing more than to sit

Outside your door and listen to you breathing

Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you

Bet you're tired of me waiting

For the scraps to fall

Off your table to the ground

I just want o be here now
 
 
 
 
:)

I looked for the path to

Another realm where i can just be

In the presence of my untold stories

In the heart of my recurrent dream.

I try to escape this unconsious routine

Of your face that so habitually enters my thoughts

You nudge and you poke and you tickle my efforts

That go in vain because of this destiny we've begot.

Like a pen and paper have no life,

Till a fill of ink and a few wise thoughtsSo my heart knows no other way

Till a fill of love and a few strong heartbeats.
On a seive i place my life

And sift out the dirt from whats real

But before i know it my life has fallen throughAnd what remains is a memory of the love i once knew .
I am now a soldier with a scar from the war

And as much as i could blame this pain on you, i wont

Because if it wasnt for this scar i bear

there would be no brighter tomorrow, no garment of happiness for me to wear
As i as sit now in this other realm,

I can see my capabilities so crystal clear

And i thank you for this pain you've put me through

And i know now , that for you i wont shed another tear.


P.S This is for you Shivangi. Jus to let you know that you're worries never go unnoticed and that you're life will soon fall into place:)

Borderline Balancing Act

So yes, i have been gone way to long , my sorryness will seem too fake so i will skip it.

Im on the rim on a giant glass of red wine, balancing to save my very temporarily pained self. What do you think? Will i get to the other end and hop onto the giant loaf of soft white bread(which im not allowed to eat anymore..THANKS pcod!:P) or will i drunk drown and give in to the scarlet intoxicant of my many many , what seem like, obstacles in the way of just 24 hours of pure bliss....You know the kind that makes ure eyes sparkle like theyre worth a million bucks , the kind that makes your stomach do a flip like you are upside down on the loop of a rollercoaster screaming out alll your woe's and just fallllingg freeeeeee, what do you think?
I want to run way over to the other side of this table, past the finger foods and the butter and even the gigantic turkey and run into your embrace like there's no care in the world!
But will it happen? Can i afford to think of the other side of the table when im hanging on for my dear life on the rim of this beautiful disaster? Which way do i look at it? As a reason to motivate myself to get to the end...or as a eye opener to whats in front of me RIGHT now and what i have to deal with? Because i refuse to drown , i refuse to give up on being as determined as i always like to believe i am, i to get sucked into the pit at the bottom of the glass where many a men on an alcoholic spree confuses with a crytall ball? No the bottom of the glass does NOT tell you the future...NO it does no comfort you ...No its not the answer to all the woe's that u CREATE for yourself.
Getting to the other side of the table is not that hard when you're destination isnt being screened out by distractions that you encounter along your way. Its not hard when you know that there will always be a soft bread landing at the end of it.because God wont let you fall.If you fall its be cause you havent made the right choice , you havent showcased any foresight, you havent measured your steps before you leaped. Not that you will ever admit it.Not that i will ever admit it.Not directly at least.
Sometimes i might hate my dinner table of a life. I might wonder why i got stuck with it instead of having that barbeque set of a life ! Sometimes i love it so much because its mine.Its the one thing that is mine. That im accountable for, that i can share with all the people in my life, friends, strangers, family, animals......Its a gift. Each time i try and understand life, i see a new perspective of it. How awesome and wondrous would something be, if it lasted forever ,beyond time, if it was embedded in everything we did or didnt do, said or didnt say,if it was something we couldn't live without , heck if these words would not be words without!?!How can you reallly live without life? If that doesnt make you want to love life, nothing will.