Saturday, May 03, 2014

I guess this is where you realize that the growing up you always chalked out for yourself has already happened. I know that growing up never really ends, but sometimes you pass the stages of life you were so sure would go a certain way, without really having the chance to see it that way. And that is okay.
It is okay because, more often than not, living consumes us and it's overwhelming. But then there are those select moments, when you're lying in bed, and you listen to song's you heard as a teenager and it fills you with such a familiar tangle of emotions. It's almost as if that much desired rewind button exists, if only momentarily.
There is faint pain attached from your early heartbreak's as the lyrics make you smile, you're not even surprised to feel a drop of salt-water roll down your cheek and you want more but you also want to make it stop.
There is also that smirk of pride to see your journey dance in your head, as you keep switching between songs of a playlist you'll know so well even 30 years from now.
Certain truth's hit you hard. You will not have the chance to marry your high school sweetheart and make memories from graduation to babies. You won't cuddle on sleep on your daddys tummy. You won't be innocent. You can't un-make the mistakes.
You will not go back. And thank God for that,really. Because even though you're not so sure that you can be happy about growing older, you're not escaping it. But you've pulled your way through it, making a life that you probably thought you had control over.
Here's a thought. If we controlled our own lives, why wouldn't it go the way we planned? We only make the choices the little voice in our heads guide us to, but everything else and everyone else that are a part of our story, they have been led to us too. Not by our spirits, but by the same voice, the same hand, the Only decider of our fate.
How can you not believe in destiny? How can you not believe in the author writing it for us when every breath testifies His presence...

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I fail to understand the constant need to find flaws in a person while claiming to love them unconditionally.Why cant our days be filled with striving to consciously be kinder, humor mistakes, forgive instead of judging, labeling and forming lifelong opinions.
How is it that you can be a constant blessing to hundreds of strangers yet shun your own people with thoughtless tags and hurtful words?
Since my early days, I was taught by practice and by observation to be kind, sensitive and caring  and generous regardless of whom I was sharing these acts with. I felt blessed to belong to a family that didn't just instill these virtues in me but also practiced it.
When you grow up, it gets harder to cultivate these qualities. When my relationship with God consciously began, I started realising how Christlike these qualities were and felt honored to have them as a part of my personality and not something I would have to learn to be.
The more kinds of people we meet , it would seem that being patient and kind would get harder but sometimes when you've perceived it the way God would want you to you realise that on the contrary it gets more natural to deal with things with empathy.
Makes me appreciate for the zillionth time just how much we need God to be our guide . No amount of anger,tears or time will ever heal like just one wisdom imparting touch by the author of love and forgiveness Himself.
Its no wonder that tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Because every thing that has gone down has made me immensely thankful . It would take me forever to list but for now I'm thankful that today gave me a reason to write!;)

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

This post one contained everything you should know about me. My quirks, my flaws, my inadequacies and all the good stuff too. And then it got erased. You havent shown up yet you know, so  why would you need to know all of that? I'm not even the same anymore.
I have new quirks and flaws that I never knew would present themselves and u know what? Ull have to find out for yourself i guess. And Im gonna love knowing that you 'll want to.
For once in my entire life Im not sure of what I want you to be, How I want you to look and In what way ull love me. I dont know if you'll be an angry boy like I dreamt bout or an intellectual conversationalist, a clown or a biker boy. I dream of you sometimes and then I wonder if thats how you 'll be when we finally meet , but I wont know, will I?
Sometimes I dont think I can wait that long but I'm counting on the fact that you will change that.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Water on a wax doll that's what its become
Saline streams inside a face that's smiling.
Creates an ocean raging inside a heavy soul

People always leave
Doors always shut
Places always remain far
And you wake up  from all dreams.

Its that feeling when inertia defies all science
Its a constant shock, a constant jerk, a numb surprise
A stab with a blunt knife
A throb

Staggering along a mind recess
Darkest its been in a while

Your light refuses to dim
Your love, it defies all science too
Change is not always inevitable
Because You are constant

I wonder if nostalgia is never a bittersweet feeling for anyone? I hate that right now its more bitter than sweet though. Im wishing for the 6th time in the past hour that I was 15 again, listening to Dilemma and being in love and knowing what forever meant, dreaming of endless possibilities in dream induced lands that i was sure existed and would be revealed in my destiny. 10 years since then and if i count the many dreams that have been stolen from me, the ones that have died,the ones that u've had the opportunity to live and never repeat,the ones that have been dismissed, i may as well be left with nothing. Is that how old people become old?
I dont want that. I dont want to age into a person that knows it all, I want to wonder forever, I want endless possibilities always and dreams that im not ashamed to let go off.
Does it get better? Am I perceiving it all wrong? Is this solitude a stepping stone? I dont know. Does anyone feel the same amount of frustration? The feeling of wanting something so bad and not wanting it equally bad. Its not even an unfamiliar feeling, just one that overwhelms me. My patience gets thin and I retreat into hermitage to avoid hurting people that matter.
There's too much pain and anger surrounding the air. No amount of hugs given will heal his pain. No amount of months spent did anything that would make him miss me when it stopped. I've never been a quitter but i have been an submissive friend. I'm holding on to prayer, but letting go of all else. Im not sure if thats what im supposed to be doing but im doing it.I/m so tired of dragging myself up again, when each time I get heavier . I'm so tired.... Im just really tired.
SO tired. :(