confession

Confession
written by: Ti.anna
Broken hearts and the untold truth,

Is where the enemy breeds.

thoughtless words and spiteful thoughts,

Is where he mercilessly feeds.

You see my laughter and the sparkle in my eye,

you tel me its nothing but a lie,

A lie im living to wash away all wrong doing

you tell me its a mask to cover and deny.

And today i want to show you my face,

The face that you believe is hidden,

Ill reveal the scars that only words could have caused,

so tell me now do u see any difference?

My "mask" is nothing but a sheild,

my anger is naught but a con,

my words are but only a weapon,

to combat this battlle that im fighting alone.

Everyday is a fork in the road,

Every intention is honest from within

yet every choice takes me a little furthur

Into this landslide that pulls me in.

Im burried deep now inside these stones,

And every cursse against me is another boulder,

And forgiveness takes away all the pain,

And sayin "im sorry" takes the burden off my shoulder.

And today i see a light up furthur,

It makes me feel more welcome than ive ever felt before,

And the warmth of it all just makes me melt,

magically i feel pain no more.

And this light it gives me courage today,

to face all my troubles right in the eye.

This light it opens my mouth and helps me say

those words mean to come out but eventually die.

I never meant to do those things ,

but it always seemed so easy,

i never meant to cry but if i dont i feel so queasy,

Inever meant to pinch you wherre it hurt the most

All i ever meant was to hold ure hand and say "im there".

You know how they say "fight cold with cold". Well we need to do just that. No not fight cold with cold , we need to fight love with love, giving with giving, good gestures with some more , you get the point.I've heard that the only people you should get even with are the one that help you when you need it. It made me realise how mindlessly we try and get back at people who have hurt us or how things spit out of our mouths like fire from a dragon and scorch the person who could have been given a chance but now has scars from what you've said.
"but ive been hurt SOOOO bad" u think in self - defense. So what? The gratest wounds get healed if its taken care of properly.But poking your finger into it constantly will only cause it to fester more right?
So we need to clean out these wounds gently with a disinfectant and bandage them to protect yourself for any external germs. Similarly..we need to gently clean out our past hurt with care,kindess,forgiveness nd genrosity and bandage up our broken hearts so that we do not allow any outside source to influence us against the people we love.
Here's the flipside, almost everyone we meet now responds to a kind gesture differently
there's the diabetic sweet person who is overwhlemed by the gesture and goes out and out to repay it.
theres the suspicious one thinking"why would he/she do this for me..hmmmm"
there's the silent observer who s touchd by the gesture and keeps the warm feelings to himself.
there's the ultimate pessimist thinking" omg that brat! thinks he can fool me with a sweet gesture so ibreak down for good"
there's the mentor who advices you and encourages you on continuing such acts .
So how do you go about this giving process when you're not sure how peopel will react?
If you're one of the many who think this, know that you're giving not because you want them to react in a certain way but because you acknowledge the importance of that person in your life and have a desire to give whatever you can offer to bring a smile on their face. FULLSTOP. That is all you need to think.
It may get frustrating when you want to be of help and your not needed.Keep giving in a subtle way, Help the person in a way that he/she wo'nt know.This is will be easy if you really really want to help someone.
And concluding this post, let me just share with you my views on unconditional giving
firstly it is VERY VERY difficult, it takes time and effort - 2 things that people have become stingy about, it has to be purely sub conscious to be genuine and if ure one such person, the world is very lucky to have you:)
No matter how much people tell you that you're silly to keep giving, know that if you give in to them you'll lose your place as one of the few people in the world who are capable of such a Godly act:)

In memory of all ive ever wanted

i wonder what people think when they see a madman on the road?Or whether they even acknowledge his presence? And if you think this is random, its not.
Today, when i looked at him closely, i suddenly had this revelation! I felt pain. Its not a new feeling but its the thoughts that complemented the feeling that caught me by surprise. I looked at this madman in a new light. There he was, talking to himself, dressd ina traditional rajasthani avatar ,waving his hands in the air like a traffic policeman should , laughing, frowning, dancing , all at once. And it made me smile to know that innocence still exists.
How many people do we know that are truly innocent. I would say NIL. Its not even possible so im not judging. Its just me trying to appreciate someone who gets only a couple of snide comments, nudges, abuses, everyday for no real fault of his.
*sigh*
Its quite strange that i had to touch upon lost innocence today or maybe its just a sub conscious thought. Ive realised that some things no longer suprise me.they might hurt me but im not surprised that some people can talk with no emotion, can smile with no feeling,can work with no motivation,can lie looking into the eyes of someone who knows the truth, im jsut not surprised anymore. Im not looking for a solution , im not trying to save the world,im not trying to achieve" world peace", Im just looking for my place in this monstrous world , my place as a daughter, sister, friend, advisor, stranger, or whatever i am to everyone. Im just looking for a "Safe placE" , where i can give with no strings attached where i dont falll harder than i try , where i'm needed and where i can mean a lot more.
Today, i feel good, im not ignoring all the pain, im embracing it so it melts under the warmth of my embrace, im embracing all the people who felt what im feeling, im being there for people who need someone..and i can finnally say "im back!!!":)

The Calling- wherever you will go

So lately, been wondering,Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone could you make it on your own.

CH:If I could, then I would,I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out,A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guard you, through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Well then I hope there's someone out there
who can bring me back to you

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go

p.s next couple of posts will only be lyrics of songs that im feelin patricularly close to...:D


Seether ft Amy lee Broken * this is one of my all time favs!!*

Iwanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

**************
:(

travelogue - day 2 in manali

The first night was too exciting to sleep. After a nice dinner at our newly discovered restraunt we sat up for hours in the room till we finally fell asleep when it was almost time to wake up. Nevertheless we woke up early and headed out after aa long discussion of whether to go to old manali or vashist or rohtang pass. We decided to skip rohtang and try and fit in old manali and vashist

We shopped, while shaan "borrowed" some clothes from an unsuspecting shopkeeper lol.I was so bemused by the pretty trinkets and hippy clothes everywhere that i regret not having picked more than just rainbow coloured socks,yoga pants and a dress.sigh:(.
We walked up the winding lane just when it started to rain.I had jsut had a heated argument with Amit and i was in one of those " i wanna be alone but follow me " kinda moods so i ran up to what looked like the perfect "reflective" places for me.
It started with the cobbled stone path which ended up in stone steps leading to rooftops and rocks.I plonked on a rock and looked thoughtlessly over the town of Manali with the cold breeze numbing the tip of my nose and the gentle pitter patter on the rooftops and my slowly cooling head.The other 3 came and sat next to me talking about something i didnt hear. Slowly i smiled, apologised for acting silly and i was fine. We were fine.Nothing could ruin this trip for me. Nothing!
Ifinally let go of my stubborness and ran somewhere for shelter but the rain had already ceased.We continued on to old manali after looing at the hot baths, the temples and the wierdos around hehe.
We halted 2 rickshaws and headed upwards but were stuck in a row of traffic,,,so i got off the rick and started walking...Amit followed and shaan and nabila joined us behind. On the way we thought we;d clik some pics by the river. So we did.
Those were the last from Nabilas Camera. It met with an unfortunate accident with a stranger.After that there wasnt much talking.Nabila was clearly upset and so was I.The guys had no choice but to quiten up.Yes even Shaan was quiet:)
We went back to the room, tired. All of us stuck close cos it had begun to get cold.We just sat ther and laughed like tired old drunks and then ate another yummy dinner.

We had to get a taste of walking around with heavy bags the next day because we had to check out of the hotel at 10 that morning.We walked around Old manali again and
by 11 30 we had our last comfortable meal at Mountview, pancakes and hot gingerlemon honey tea(you've got to try it soemday!)scrambled eggs with cheese mmm,exchanged contact numbers with jassi, the owner who had begun to get quite fond of us already, withdrew some money and mounted on to the bus,which was small and petite just like all the women around us.The bus ride was quite rash for my liking with the narrow ghats with a steep fall into the river beas and the traffic and the speed of the little bus!
We had around a 60 min drive to kullu where we would meet our other campers for lunch.Kullu market was a little distasteful for me but it had the air of a village which made it better.We climbed up to this quaint restraunt which served "bhaij(veg) food".
the 4 of us then left the others and went off for the last time before the actual camping experience.By then we were a little tired and irritable and left for Babeli base camp.

****
When we reached Babeli, my spirits rose again when i gazed around at all the tents.I had never done this before, only in a few of my many fantasies.we Checked in and kept our bags in our tents and started exploring our first base camp.
Nabila and Shaan sped over to the charge points to charge their cellphones, psp's and everything ,Amit decided to interact with the gang from gujrat playing volleyball while i propped up on the floor of my tent pulled out my diary and wrote while i thoughfully watched the boys play.
I always admired Amit for the way he made friends so fast.He was confident and likeable from the beginning, quite unlike me who always came across as shy at the first glance. This thought was fllowed by a series of self depricating thoughts and i ended up feeling lower than ever so i went for a walk by myself only to realise we werent allowed to go out. After pleading with the guy at the check in with amit shaan nab and bha we managed to convince him we wouldnt go far and would be back by 6.Freedom with rules! Iwanted to go sit by the beas for obvious reasons. It was beautiful, romantic and ice cold. Nab and me peeled off our socks and shoes and dipped our feet in the frigid water. It felt so liberating in a way. Amit shaan and Bha were being boys and sitting under a rock and talking guy stuff.*rolls eyes*
But soon later they joined us for some quiet talking, which is confess was one of the best moments of the trip :)
we decided we should head back so that we could explore the little shops around the camp before we retreated to base camp.
So we walked across the marijuana fields and jumped over the fence and went explorinnngg..

Lessons from "the" man

"I don't regret the painful times;i bear my scars as if they were medals. i know that freedom has a high price,as high as that of slavery; the only difference is that you pay with pleasure and a smile, even when that smile is dimmed by tears." Paulo Coelho, The Zahir.

I bear them as if they were medals because each scar has been a milestone in every new phase of my life. Some have led to good things and some have led to bad things which later ive discovered were good things anyway.
These scars are definately the outcome of freedom, but freedom of choice, choices that i mindlessly made, people that i've unconditionally trusted , lives that i've unknowingly touched and hope that i've willingly given.Throught it all i had freedom.Not boundless freedom, Cause i've always had a binding restriction on my actions. My sacrifice was in my intentions not my actions.i say "Sacrifice" not because it wasnt worth it but because there was an effort to get it across.
Its true that you pay for these things with pleasure and a smile and more often than not it has been dimmed by tears, which is why these lines appealed to me.
When i look back, i dont think i would change a thing. :)

TRAVELOGUE

It was the 19th of May 07' that it finally sunk in that in the next 14 days I would be experiencing a new sensation with every step I'd take. It was the most incredible high I'd felt till then (little did I know how much better each day would get as we went along)

Manali and Me - a match made in heaven...Sigh.
I'll skip my adventures in Delhi, first with daddy dearest and then with Shaan and Amit and well, Canada Uncle (aww).After the Bus ride, where I got my first glimpse of the few people who were going to be "my world" for the next 13 days and I quite liked them right then. They seemed friendly enough and didn't go overboard with the friendliness. The bus ride was really special. It was just one of those things that seem really unexciting but mean so much more than really exiting things. Of course, then, (and I got to know this only later) the rest of the gang thought Nabila and me wouldn't really fit it. They had already nicknamed us "the Paris Hiltons". And I don't see why they wouldn't have thought that.We came across as 2 giggly blondes who wanted to "fly back in time for a friend's birthday"! But as time passed we kind of lost the tag. (And got new ones).
After 16 hours of discussions about trees and sunglasses and pictures and the Himalayas and oh so much, all of us became more comfortable around each other and we had finally reached Manali.
The first step into Manali was like a breath of life, a release of the pent up adrenalin! I was already ecstatic!!
Checking into Hotel Unique came with my most satisfying feeling of INDEPENDENCE. Find it a little unbelievable that at 19 I still hadn't felt grown up and independent? Well, you can see it as a) protective parents b) my ignorance of already existing freedom or c) I was a zillion miles away from home with someone whose been and continues to be so important to me, staying with friends, 100% trust from parent's yada yada...in short I was living a Fantasy, if only for 15 days but still I could live a lifetime of happiness in that fortnight!
To say Manali is beautiful would be unfair! It was so visually and mentally stimulating just taking in the picturesque landscape! Breathing in the chilled air was just the thing we all needed. I distinctly remember the mischief dancing in Shaan's eye's, the alternating "serious distant" looks and the smiles breaking out on Amit's face, the excitement bubbling up in Nabila's gestures and the romantic surrounding pushing me deeper still into my utopian fantasy! And it had only just begun!!
Although every minute felt so overwhelming our first day in Manali was quite a melange of fun and erm not-so-fun! We went around doing some pre-trek shopping and well, shaan just had to get a real taste of what he had come for*wink wink*.And though, I had a small recurrent burst of mood swings due to reasons not mentionable, now and then, I managed a huge smile at the end of the day.


P.s to be continued every now n then...i know this has been long overdue fuzz and tya...but im finally doin it so...plz dont take my blog off your favourites.pretty pleaseeee..!

stooopid stooopid media....sometimes i hate this advancement in technology...no i mean ..i just think...honesty was so much more common when there were no phones or computers ...wait i know u think theres no connection whatsoever...and you'll probably think im insane for making such baseless comments..but i really really want to know what it felt like to be in love in a time where you had to sneak out to meet your lover in a field behind a banyan tree or write letters and send them through messengers..mmm.
if it doesnt make sense to you(and it probably doesn't) lately all i've been seeing everywhere is men and women cheating on lovers and spouses and it scares me so much!i mean ive literally grown up on a diet of fairytales where its a norm to have a happily ever after! why didnt anyone tell me that life is so different!

today

hey...back again from my temporary creative lapse...!!!i shud reallly be more regular,dont u think? hmmm
sadly i dont have time to write today...so yea my day has been pretty OK....though the last 2 days have been funnn!!!
i went for my first bachelorette party!!!which turned out to be quite amusing and well organized...you just cannot expect less from the cousins!!!it was complete with the naughty games,the drinks,the masks,green punch...mmmm,girly musiqqq oh and they even had strippers!!(so what if they were friends!fedsex rules!)..how can i forget the very thoughtful return gifts wrapped in something that would be..well...probably handy someday and erm other stuff that i might get into trouble on mentioning hehe!all in all...it was one helluva gurls night out!!
today was ...averagish....with waking up early and still goin late to college hehhe...when am i ever gonna change???no wait the question is ...do i wanna change??and then ditching the rest of the lec and goin shoppin all alone..hahah....only iu realised after reching tht i wasnt upto it cos i was down with the flu hehehe...so i scooted around till i thot i wud drop and then jumped into a rik and got home!
anyway i shud go now.....tooodles!!