Water on a wax doll that's what its become
Stoic.
Saline streams inside a face that's smiling.
Creates an ocean raging inside a heavy soul

People always leave
Doors always shut
Places always remain far
And you wake up  from all dreams.

Its that feeling when inertia defies all science
Its a constant shock, a constant jerk, a numb surprise
A stab with a blunt knife
A throb

Staggering along a mind recess
Darkest its been in a while

Your light refuses to dim
Your love, it defies all science too
Change is not always inevitable
Because You are constant

I wonder if nostalgia is never a bittersweet feeling for anyone? I hate that right now its more bitter than sweet though. Im wishing for the 6th time in the past hour that I was 15 again, listening to Dilemma and being in love and knowing what forever meant, dreaming of endless possibilities in dream induced lands that i was sure existed and would be revealed in my destiny. 10 years since then and if i count the many dreams that have been stolen from me, the ones that have died,the ones that u've had the opportunity to live and never repeat,the ones that have been dismissed, i may as well be left with nothing. Is that how old people become old?
I dont want that. I dont want to age into a person that knows it all, I want to wonder forever, I want endless possibilities always and dreams that im not ashamed to let go off.
Does it get better? Am I perceiving it all wrong? Is this solitude a stepping stone? I dont know. Does anyone feel the same amount of frustration? The feeling of wanting something so bad and not wanting it equally bad. Its not even an unfamiliar feeling, just one that overwhelms me. My patience gets thin and I retreat into hermitage to avoid hurting people that matter.
There's too much pain and anger surrounding the air. No amount of hugs given will heal his pain. No amount of months spent did anything that would make him miss me when it stopped. I've never been a quitter but i have been an submissive friend. I'm holding on to prayer, but letting go of all else. Im not sure if thats what im supposed to be doing but im doing it.I/m so tired of dragging myself up again, when each time I get heavier . I'm so tired.... Im just really tired.
SO tired. :(

Even If i could stop these echoes of your voice in my head, I wouldn't! Your altered twang when you said "sorry" , your laugh, your soft hair, the way you would hit me and run away when I ruffled your hair, The cuddles you let me give you, tutoring you, none of it will ever leave me Micah. I wont let it.
Every unspoken moment and every moment that I will wish you were still around will remind me of it all.
Your gentle but perturbed soul, the anger that you held in so tight, the look in your eyes that always made me want to tell you how much you mean to me, and now I will.
I love you. You were nothing short of family. Ever since you were born with your epic baby mohawk and your big round eyes, I knew I would love you. And I do. Your hair remained epic and your eyes unchanged but look how destiny changed everything else. You grew up so beautifully quiet, giggling, smiling shyly and so incredibly lovable. Every time  you came home from school, you brought a little warmth inside my heart and no matter how little time we actually spent together the fact that I remember every bit of it reverberates the intensity of that I felt for you Michs.
All   I want now for you is that your spirit be comforted by God in an eternal embrace. 20 years doesn't suffice in love, no amount of time ever does. Its how love works. It does not fail, it does not perish.

Im glad we had "our moments" Michu, the ones that were exclusive to you and me. Im glad that two awkwardly shy people like us opened up to those moments,little did we know they would end. I love how our stupid pokemon nicknames never got too kiddish to continue.

Every word will fall short of how Im feeling just having to accept this horrid fact but every pang in my heart will constantly remind me of how much you mean to me

Love you baby brother <3 p="">Squirtle....:)

"my own two hands will comfort you tonight,tonight say when"

You're lying there ,so far away. motionless and all I can do is fall back and forth into moments of reminiscing when we last talked, last met, the last time I played with your hair while I try to continue living as though everythings ok. Its really not ok. Im terrified for you. For all of us. Cause its not fair that you have to go through this right now.Heck it would never seeem fair to me even if you were 60 and not 20. Youre not allowed to be this way because it hurts SO much. Helpless hurt.
My little "baby follie" Every feeling of mine is a prayer for you to bounce back to normal life, every wish I make will make its way to you and Sach because nothing will ever feel right again if this doesnt fix itself.
I've held you in a surreal embrace ever since I heard and I wont let you be in this alone.
I LOVE you and you already know :)
But I would give anything to have u text me with a reassuring "squirtle" message. Please?:(

Fleeting time and disaster after disaster, stoic beings we've all become. Me too. Whats the sense in worrying, I remind myself. The world was always wicked, we were just sheltered right?wrong. Wickedness has clearly reached its all time high and I'm not afraid to say, its saddening. I do NOT like it one bit.
Sometimes i think and i think and I find so many things that sadden me and then I run to a happy place, I close my eyes and imagine i'm sitting with God in a silent embrace and as more things burden me the more i want to retreat to that place with Him.
An eternal mental frown, my spiritual limbs sometimes are so sluggish with the weight of all that is, that my overdose of physical chirpiness is just plain annoying to me. I wish there was a balance of spirit and body and I'm sure there is. If only I could find it soon. I think I could genuinely feel the happiness that was meant for me,then. no?
I wonder how many people I know closely feel that happiness. The only feelings I'm certain I feel are love and compassion. My favourite. The feeling of wanting to squish people and cuddle attack them! The feeling of looking in the wistful eye of a stranger and telling them "not all is lost" without saying it.
Walking around in a city like mine, we re so subconsciously barred from opening up to a stranger lest he be a rapist or a thief or misconstrue what you're saying. I know a lot of us have spirits of compassion stifled under the fear of wickedness that surrounds us. Sometimes its pleasant to see this spirit overflow through someones eyes. Its like a spirit hug. Im a sucker for those! By far the best feeling ever.
A man, blind from one eye stood  close to me today in the train and you know what, It threw me off guard that there was no filthy vibe from this man. I half wanted to hug the pain away but you know I dint of course. Thats where these spirit hugs come into play. The pain was pretty strong and my eyes welled up and I felt helpless. Not even my silent plea of blessings could settle it. Then he spoke. He asked me if the train was going to his destination and I said it wasnt. Words of encourage were bitten back and I seemingly indifferently told him where he could get off and catch the train he needed. My silent prayer will do him some good but where was my human prayer of gestures? Sometimes people need a display to make all that difference to a broken spirit.
On  a happier note, I read about some sweet acts of kindness on facebook. yay.
Here's sending out a giant hug to everyone who needs it.

LURVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!