A New Goodbye

Goodbye, Goodbye to another experience.
In the past 21 years 11 months and 12 days I've had to bid farewell to so many phases,people,possessions that you'd think that i would be used to it by now.Fact is, i still hate goodbyes, most of us do. I've seen sweet goodbye's , bitter ones, excrutiatingly painful ones,ones that forced me to grow up and some temporary ones but this one....its still nothing i have ever felt.
Sometimes just the thought of the word floating around in my head makes me teary eyed. I think i have a repulsion to the word! Im at the end of another road today and i cant even say ive felt this before. I have never felt so deliriously happy,anxious,scared,sad,awkward,angry all at one time and i dont like this strange unfamiliar feeling!I want to runnnn in this open field ahead of me and embrace my new freedom and yet i want to hold on to my daddys leg and bawllll my heart out, i want to cling to my mommy's dress and not to go school, i want to hug my best friends and never let go of the moment, i want to be so in love,i want to play with my sisters hair and trouble her till she kicks me out of the room, i want to sit at office and play games:P , i want to be goofy and call people names, i want to be serious and work hard, iwant to be there for people, i want to gossip with my cousins and have sleepovers .....but i have to let go now.Maybe temporarily....Maybe permanently.
........................................... *blink**blink*...................................................
I've always dreamt that i would live alone one day, study, meet people, travel, and i imagined it to the T! The clothes , the hair , the shoes, the stride ...everything. And now i 'v reached that place. Im right there!! Where i dreamt i would be...but then why doesnt it feel so great?Why do i want to hold on??
Im trying to identify this feeling so it feels familar enough to comfort me but as i scan through all the goodbye's i cant place my finger on this feeling. Nope, not when i finally gave away my favourite plaid red skirt that i wore for like 9 years, Not when left school, not when my friends moved to different countries, Not when i realised i had grown up, I;ve never felt this feeling. This is a new goodbye.
This is what i thought was a small goodbye, but i was wrong. This is the biggest Goodbye ive had to face so far. Because its not a definate goodbye.Its tentative, its indecisive,its fogging up the road ahead and honestly it makes me want to just be sick.
But im here and im facing it. Because when i made this decision , i knew i'd have to embrace change .I may have not known how soon or how drastic the change may be but now i do.
I am now a walking  talking build up of emotions,fears,dreams,aspirations walking towards the future that is out to hit me like an icy torrent of rain that will wash away some of things that i want to so badly hold on to but in turn will clean out all the unwanted dirt and quench my thirst of living a new life.
And now ive come to realise that what i want, what i need and what i will get might never ever be the same thing.:)


*sigh*
Goodbye, life as i knew it.

Tomato Wafer Theory

So , we decide to go buy some different munchies today for tea time and we spend the last 10 mins of our break trying to select  from the widest possible range of wafers, scanning every ingredient, shape,size, etc. Some catch our attention and for a split second we may even consider buying it but 10 mins later when we walk out , its still the same old, same packet as always with the orangey coloured Tomato wafers!
Now who would think that our buying patterns could actuallly symbolize the way we make some choices in life? But the 2 of us, with our clearly evident aquarian eccentric brains came up with the Tomato Wafer Theory of life.
 Now we know that sometimes this unconditional love for tomato wafers could lead to trouble, its wayyy too unhealthy sometimes and sometimes we know that its not needed in our life , then why do we still crave it everyday? Because its familiar? Because its always been there ? Because it tastes so good?Because when the sweet wafers touch our lips its worth all the wait ?We had a choice of at least 55 different types of wafers and biscuits , some healthy, some fried,some baked, some sweetened, soem spicy and basically all of them very different to our everyday choice but we still walked out of that store , stupidly happy with our choice liek it was the first time we had ever tried it.
Now even though it seems that im totallly dissing such consistent behavior, im not!Our consistent decision stems from the fact that we are grounded and we are loyal and we always stand by somethin we love. As retarded as it may sound, today the TWT totally cracked us up and made us realise that even though there are thigns we dislike thrown at us, even though our plans may not work out according to what we thought they'd be , we stay put in our beliefs and trust that all goes well with this decision that we've made.
In the lunch hour of our lives, those 10 mins of battle between the consitent mind and the wavering one , could make or break relationships,friendships or decisions we;ve made before.
To the Tomato Wafer Theory....cheers!:P


[ totally dedicated to shiv...who helped come up with this insightful theory on a totaly comical day!!]

2 days to go.... a new year....but you know what... its not exciting me. I dont know if it will NEVER excite me again or whether its just this year or whether its just today.Brings me to think of how we reallly do NOT know whats in store for us, next year, next minute, next second even and because its not in our control we tend to create little multiple possibilities of what might happen so that we have some satisfaction. Control freaks...thats what we have become! We need to know everything and no mattter how much we may say we're taking things as they come , we cant, not genuinely because in our brains theres always a "this could happen or that might just happen".We have this unconscious tendency to control ourselves to an extent that we do not know how to truly let go and see what God has in store for us. Creator of everything we know, c'mon  you'd think He'd have at least a leeeetle more wisdom than we think we have? Wheres the trust.?
I know...WAYYY easier said than done. When you have these plans in your head and more often than not they do not go according to our fantastic pre planned direction , we jsut cannot see beyond the road block.All we can see is this poisonous smoke screen of anger and frustration because this isnt what WE WANTED. God, this isnt what i ordered!! i want my money back!!
Really? we dont have even the slightest reason to be angry or mad .Half the things that are thrown at us are either so because theres soemthing crazilly exciting in store for us soon or because we have slowly ventured into them ourselves. Suck it up. deal with it:)
So yeah, how is this new year going to be different? i dont know. i do know that today was different from what i thought it would be. Very different. No i did not like it , more like detested it. Like nail biting, hair pulling,ears smoking, eyes wellling up , heading spinning  DIFFERENT.Iwanted to be singing a happy song, instead im blaring linkin park's oh -so- apt lyrics and humming the  blues. Is this what i wanted??NEVER. But its what i got.Spoilt for choice. Ive been spoilt for choice. Always got what i wanted in life ,never known this feeling(or ive forgotten it) and now i have to face it.And even though i do not ever stick to my new years resolutions i want to try and be thankful this year. I always felt like its somehting only old people do on their death bed but life is starting to get too unpredictable:P old people are becommin young, young peopel old, guys liek guys, people live in their past, some in the future, kids get kids, we live ina loony world , loony enough to make some of us want to live straight lives!
so point being...Thank, appreciate, live,love,forgive,and respect. The hardest resolutions to ever stick to but the msot essential and also the most forgotten amidst our every day issues. Not jsut for this new year but evey minute that you are kept alive.
=)
Here's to a grateful new year and a fruitful life that we may learn to appreciate our lives, our relationships and that we may learn to acknowledge our blessings !!
Muchhhh love
Tee =)

Just another day, or so it seems,
They still dont seem to hear ,his supressed screams,
He hides in the darkness,that they dont see him tremble,
With fear that their curses,might make him crumble.

With bloodshot eyes ,so blurry they could be blind,
With an excruciating pain,that he tries to leave behind.
With a broken heart,struck down each time it heals,
With skin so thick, he not so sure he even feels.

Curled on the floor, trying to ignore the rejection
Hopes the moonlight on his hair, will steal away all tension,
Biting hard to trap in all emotion
Its chewing him up inside,this hurt,this erosion.

And as he wallows in this daily horror,
He tries to reason,tries to make it clearer
He cries out to the heavens , hope dimmmed but strong in faith nonetheless,
He knows there's only one way out, one way out of this mess.

Cuddled up in a heavenly embrace,
heavy head lightened, no more burdened with disgrace.
magically graced with forgiveness, the fury ,it disappears
strength to trap in the tears, strength to face all his fears

Im listening to Heaven after SO so so long. *smiles* i Love what this song does to me. No matter what im feeling outside the 4:05 mins of this song, And right now, amidst all the chaos, its a welcome catharsis.
15 :08 mins of silence later, its amazing how moods can change,ehehe. I want angry music now!!!! Grrr....
write again in a bit...toodles!!

*breatheeeeeS......breathhhess again harder....breathes....SCREAMS!!!!*