I guess this is where you realize that the growing up you always chalked out for yourself has already happened. I know that growing up never really ends, but sometimes you pass the stages of life you were so sure would go a certain way, without really having the chance to see it that way. And that is okay.
It is okay because, more often than not, living consumes us and it's overwhelming. But then there are those select moments, when you're lying in bed, and you listen to song's you heard as a teenager and it fills you with such a familiar tangle of emotions. It's almost as if that much desired rewind button exists, if only momentarily.
There is faint pain attached from your early heartbreak's as the lyrics make you smile, you're not even surprised to feel a drop of salt-water roll down your cheek and you want more but you also want to make it stop.
There is also that smirk of pride to see your journey dance in your head, as you keep switching between songs of a playlist you'll know so well even 30 years from now.
Certain truth's hit you hard. You will not have the chance to marry your high school sweetheart and make memories from graduation to babies. You won't cuddle on sleep on your daddys tummy. You won't be innocent. You can't un-make the mistakes.
You will not go back. And thank God for that,really. Because even though you're not so sure that you can be happy about growing older, you're not escaping it. But you've pulled your way through it, making a life that you probably thought you had control over.
Here's a thought. If we controlled our own lives, why wouldn't it go the way we planned? We only make the choices the little voice in our heads guide us to, but everything else and everyone else that are a part of our story, they have been led to us too. Not by our spirits, but by the same voice, the same hand, the Only decider of our fate.
How can you not believe in destiny? How can you not believe in the author writing it for us when every breath testifies His presence...

I fail to understand the constant need to find flaws in a person while claiming to love them unconditionally.Why cant our days be filled with striving to consciously be kinder, humor mistakes, forgive instead of judging, labeling and forming lifelong opinions.
How is it that you can be a constant blessing to hundreds of strangers yet shun your own people with thoughtless tags and hurtful words?
Since my early days, I was taught by practice and by observation to be kind, sensitive and caring  and generous regardless of whom I was sharing these acts with. I felt blessed to belong to a family that didn't just instill these virtues in me but also practiced it.
When you grow up, it gets harder to cultivate these qualities. When my relationship with God consciously began, I started realising how Christlike these qualities were and felt honored to have them as a part of my personality and not something I would have to learn to be.
The more kinds of people we meet , it would seem that being patient and kind would get harder but sometimes when you've perceived it the way God would want you to you realise that on the contrary it gets more natural to deal with things with empathy.
Makes me appreciate for the zillionth time just how much we need God to be our guide . No amount of anger,tears or time will ever heal like just one wisdom imparting touch by the author of love and forgiveness Himself.
Its no wonder that tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Because every thing that has gone down has made me immensely thankful . It would take me forever to list but for now I'm thankful that today gave me a reason to write!;)

This post one contained everything you should know about me. My quirks, my flaws, my inadequacies and all the good stuff too. And then it got erased. You havent shown up yet you know, so  why would you need to know all of that? I'm not even the same anymore.
I have new quirks and flaws that I never knew would present themselves and u know what? Ull have to find out for yourself i guess. And Im gonna love knowing that you 'll want to.
For once in my entire life Im not sure of what I want you to be, How I want you to look and In what way ull love me. I dont know if you'll be an angry boy like I dreamt bout or an intellectual conversationalist, a clown or a biker boy. I dream of you sometimes and then I wonder if thats how you 'll be when we finally meet , but I wont know, will I?
Sometimes I dont think I can wait that long but I'm counting on the fact that you will change that.

Water on a wax doll that's what its become
Stoic.
Saline streams inside a face that's smiling.
Creates an ocean raging inside a heavy soul

People always leave
Doors always shut
Places always remain far
And you wake up  from all dreams.

Its that feeling when inertia defies all science
Its a constant shock, a constant jerk, a numb surprise
A stab with a blunt knife
A throb

Staggering along a mind recess
Darkest its been in a while

Your light refuses to dim
Your love, it defies all science too
Change is not always inevitable
Because You are constant

I wonder if nostalgia is never a bittersweet feeling for anyone? I hate that right now its more bitter than sweet though. Im wishing for the 6th time in the past hour that I was 15 again, listening to Dilemma and being in love and knowing what forever meant, dreaming of endless possibilities in dream induced lands that i was sure existed and would be revealed in my destiny. 10 years since then and if i count the many dreams that have been stolen from me, the ones that have died,the ones that u've had the opportunity to live and never repeat,the ones that have been dismissed, i may as well be left with nothing. Is that how old people become old?
I dont want that. I dont want to age into a person that knows it all, I want to wonder forever, I want endless possibilities always and dreams that im not ashamed to let go off.
Does it get better? Am I perceiving it all wrong? Is this solitude a stepping stone? I dont know. Does anyone feel the same amount of frustration? The feeling of wanting something so bad and not wanting it equally bad. Its not even an unfamiliar feeling, just one that overwhelms me. My patience gets thin and I retreat into hermitage to avoid hurting people that matter.
There's too much pain and anger surrounding the air. No amount of hugs given will heal his pain. No amount of months spent did anything that would make him miss me when it stopped. I've never been a quitter but i have been an submissive friend. I'm holding on to prayer, but letting go of all else. Im not sure if thats what im supposed to be doing but im doing it.I/m so tired of dragging myself up again, when each time I get heavier . I'm so tired.... Im just really tired.
SO tired. :(

Even If i could stop these echoes of your voice in my head, I wouldn't! Your altered twang when you said "sorry" , your laugh, your soft hair, the way you would hit me and run away when I ruffled your hair, The cuddles you let me give you, tutoring you, none of it will ever leave me Micah. I wont let it.
Every unspoken moment and every moment that I will wish you were still around will remind me of it all.
Your gentle but perturbed soul, the anger that you held in so tight, the look in your eyes that always made me want to tell you how much you mean to me, and now I will.
I love you. You were nothing short of family. Ever since you were born with your epic baby mohawk and your big round eyes, I knew I would love you. And I do. Your hair remained epic and your eyes unchanged but look how destiny changed everything else. You grew up so beautifully quiet, giggling, smiling shyly and so incredibly lovable. Every time  you came home from school, you brought a little warmth inside my heart and no matter how little time we actually spent together the fact that I remember every bit of it reverberates the intensity of that I felt for you Michs.
All   I want now for you is that your spirit be comforted by God in an eternal embrace. 20 years doesn't suffice in love, no amount of time ever does. Its how love works. It does not fail, it does not perish.

Im glad we had "our moments" Michu, the ones that were exclusive to you and me. Im glad that two awkwardly shy people like us opened up to those moments,little did we know they would end. I love how our stupid pokemon nicknames never got too kiddish to continue.

Every word will fall short of how Im feeling just having to accept this horrid fact but every pang in my heart will constantly remind me of how much you mean to me

Love you baby brother <3 p="">Squirtle....:)

"my own two hands will comfort you tonight,tonight say when"

You're lying there ,so far away. motionless and all I can do is fall back and forth into moments of reminiscing when we last talked, last met, the last time I played with your hair while I try to continue living as though everythings ok. Its really not ok. Im terrified for you. For all of us. Cause its not fair that you have to go through this right now.Heck it would never seeem fair to me even if you were 60 and not 20. Youre not allowed to be this way because it hurts SO much. Helpless hurt.
My little "baby follie" Every feeling of mine is a prayer for you to bounce back to normal life, every wish I make will make its way to you and Sach because nothing will ever feel right again if this doesnt fix itself.
I've held you in a surreal embrace ever since I heard and I wont let you be in this alone.
I LOVE you and you already know :)
But I would give anything to have u text me with a reassuring "squirtle" message. Please?:(

Fleeting time and disaster after disaster, stoic beings we've all become. Me too. Whats the sense in worrying, I remind myself. The world was always wicked, we were just sheltered right?wrong. Wickedness has clearly reached its all time high and I'm not afraid to say, its saddening. I do NOT like it one bit.
Sometimes i think and i think and I find so many things that sadden me and then I run to a happy place, I close my eyes and imagine i'm sitting with God in a silent embrace and as more things burden me the more i want to retreat to that place with Him.
An eternal mental frown, my spiritual limbs sometimes are so sluggish with the weight of all that is, that my overdose of physical chirpiness is just plain annoying to me. I wish there was a balance of spirit and body and I'm sure there is. If only I could find it soon. I think I could genuinely feel the happiness that was meant for me,then. no?
I wonder how many people I know closely feel that happiness. The only feelings I'm certain I feel are love and compassion. My favourite. The feeling of wanting to squish people and cuddle attack them! The feeling of looking in the wistful eye of a stranger and telling them "not all is lost" without saying it.
Walking around in a city like mine, we re so subconsciously barred from opening up to a stranger lest he be a rapist or a thief or misconstrue what you're saying. I know a lot of us have spirits of compassion stifled under the fear of wickedness that surrounds us. Sometimes its pleasant to see this spirit overflow through someones eyes. Its like a spirit hug. Im a sucker for those! By far the best feeling ever.
A man, blind from one eye stood  close to me today in the train and you know what, It threw me off guard that there was no filthy vibe from this man. I half wanted to hug the pain away but you know I dint of course. Thats where these spirit hugs come into play. The pain was pretty strong and my eyes welled up and I felt helpless. Not even my silent plea of blessings could settle it. Then he spoke. He asked me if the train was going to his destination and I said it wasnt. Words of encourage were bitten back and I seemingly indifferently told him where he could get off and catch the train he needed. My silent prayer will do him some good but where was my human prayer of gestures? Sometimes people need a display to make all that difference to a broken spirit.
On  a happier note, I read about some sweet acts of kindness on facebook. yay.
Here's sending out a giant hug to everyone who needs it.

LURVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

When something or somebody refuses to leave your mind , does it mean that they are supposed to be there?

Approach number #1 "I will try and forget that place/moment/person/pretty dress/ambition"

 Which reads, I will distract myself with things as different from the thing I am trying to forget. Does evading something truly ensure erasing it from your list of desires?

Approach number #2 " God will fight this battle"

I love God and ideally there should be no "but's" in love, BUT the conflict in the mind is NOT pleasant while waiting. actually not much is pleasant about waiting.

Approach #3"Lets numb ourselves and pretend its all ok"

Well isn't this one just a JOY!? playing pretend never really stops for us, does it? For some one us our numbness comes from drinking or smoking pain away and for some it comes from glorifying "busy". Either way all numbness fades away  and all pretense has moments of uncovering.

OUCH, Because its inevitable. Specially for the overly curious such as me. It troubles not to know "what could have been" or "what lies ahead" and Just focus on now when now isn't even promising anything.

I always felt like time was walking parallel and suddenly its racing , its competing like everyone around me. Its times like this when you realize the urgency of people who have lived the full lives on earth and the worst part is thats all it will ever be, a realization of fleeting time.

Are you wasting time dwelling on what if's too? Do you believe its worth the loss? Are we mocking the gifts that we are meant to be using? Or is this part of what is planned for us? Is it insignificant? Is it petty or does it deserve the careful thought its being given? Is it the end of a season or a break in it? I wish I knew but i really don't.

And then I hear it over and over again

"Not YET"  

Of coffee,blog posts and you! Tonight is a toast to everything that refuses to leave my mind. I've decided to honor this portal of adolescent rants after almost a year,because i have grown up. (because I've had too much coffee and cannot sleep)
oh coffee, I'd long forgotten how much love for you i could contain. Clearly tonight, I have pushed that limit! Build up of emotion leads to these things, no? It made me want to try an unconventional brew. By unconventional I only mean I tried whipping milk! Did it work???? BLWHA. It only gave me the joy of a few extra foamy bubbles on the top of my cuppa.I'll tell you what did work though, the CAFFEINE! Sweet buzz giving caffeine...memories of what was...sigh..
Oh Melbourne, the land of many a cuppa . The solitary ones, the romantic ones, the independent ones, the ones in class, the ones spilling out whilst running to class.... I want them all back!
Some of my most memorable cofeexperiences :
So that one time,  I was lost( one of many glorious times) around Parliament station, waiting for my flatmates Jo and Dan while they were at a Tutankhamen exhibition that i gave up to grace the immigration office with my hopeless case! (excuse horrible syntax!) So it was bad enough that i missed the exhibition because(bite me cos I come from a land of elastic time and i think that ALL immigration offices takes as much time to function as they do in my homeland) what i thought would take all day took 15 mins but then i got lost on the way to finding them! Then it happened...one thing led to another and I had my first one day stand!
With white hot chocolate of course. I knowwww it isn't coffee and I know Its not that exciting to know about. But oh boy, was it exciting in all other ways. I stopped to ask for directions and it was just there trying to brew me...and it did... I was all souled out . I sat there in blissful oblivion. Tutankhamen had no more room in my what if's and Jo and Dan were non existent briefly.
My favorite coffee moments were the morning ones. With my then newly acquired skill of making cafe worthy latte's(i was told ) i took on the wifey duties of making breakfast and coffee for the flatmate. 7:11, wake up...walk to kitchen... stir till my arms felt worked out...and pop it into the microwave while i woke up.
It didn't matter that it wasn't for me because that's what coffee does...its strangely love inducing!
I've also had tons of coffee made for me too. Brings me to a level of respect for the beverage and all the joy it has brought me. Whether it was brought, lusted after , made for me, given to someone else, passed by in aisle 4 at safeway it has always made me linger and feel good.

 One day I will tell you all about my love for energy drinks!

Goodnight world

The end of another end

The end of an end. Again

My brain is filled with nothingness. Noise so loud that it’s jarring.  I try and think of all the things I will miss about Melbourne but all I can see are images. Why won’t anything concrete appear so that I may acknowledge it. My eyes are welling up  again and this time I’m not quite sure which memory has opened up the tap. Is it 2 Pearce Street? Is it Deakin? Is it you?

My heart is paralyzed in fear that if it resumes beating normally I may collapse in utter disbelief that the past two months were actually reality as opposed to the dream I’ve forced myself to believe it was. I haven’t woken up yet .I’m still in REM. I’ m struggled in consciousness to dream that same dream again but I know its impossible. The noise won’t let me sleep anymore.

My body longs for the warm embraces that left me a few hours ago for an indefinite time.Best part of my dream without a doubt. The part of it that wanted me to never wake up.

Then I woke up.

Thank you for letting me be me.

Seems like I only remember to blog when I m moving into a new phase...

This cement porch im on feels so comforting , as i sit and tears por out endlessly. Why theyre adorning my fat cheeks i have no idea why. Is it because Im going back? Or is it because Im never going to see people I care about for a long time ,if not never agaian. Will they become people I used to know and love. People I'll fondly think about because they;ve physically gone from my life.

Melbourne, MY home...Not the one i shared with my parents and family...My own... the one i created for myself,with help from some amazing people.Each one adding more to my life than I ever needed or deserved. Each one letttin me be me, loving em or hating me but acknowledging me for who i am and not someone they wanted me to turn into. No"you should do this" or "you should be this", all it ever was was"you are". Taking it or leaving it was upto them and I was never happier than with that reality.The reality Im giving up for reasons that mean so much to me.

Now once again im faced with questions about my destiny and where I'm meant to be. Its hard to be thankful for what was when what lies ahead shows no promise of being happier.

Magic of US

I hold your hands like ornaments,
And all I meant was to be kind.
And all I meant was to be kind...
I pull your heartstrings tighter
And play my song as loud as I can.
I'll sing my heart out for you;
I'll sing my heart out for you.

How does all this feeling grow?
How does all this feeling go on?

I pull my sleeves out further and
I prepare to fight my demons.
I must not lose again this time.
So wrap your arms around me,
And sing the words as loud as you can:
"We are together in this world."
Together in this world...

How does all this feeling grow?
How does all this feeling go on?
How does all this feeling grow?
How does all this feeling go on?

And I will lift my head above the sky,
And I will see the stars tonight.
The stars tonight will brighten our faces;
Our minds will be racing along
With our hearts--
Intertwined with love.
The magic of us.

The Nicest Thing Lyrics

"The Nicest Thing"

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

Sigh

Whispered in my ear,
That It could only be right,
Took away my juvenile fear,
As you held me tight.

Pushed back a stray lock
Lifted up my quivering chin,
Wanting to escape, I tried to talk
But you knew you had me, you'd already taken me in.

Breaths got hotter,
Heartbeats picked up pace,
My stomach got tauter
As the butterflies filled the space.

Shut my eyes,
As i finally gave in,
Felt your thighs,
Move against my shivering skin.

Kissed me gentle,
I felt the cold go in,
My head spun,I felt mental
As your sweetness filled me in.

Pulled from the embrace,
Just to see if it was True,
Blinked as i saw your genuine face,
And now all i see is You.

Kissed you back
Kissed you strong,
It felt so right on track,
It could have never been wrong.

I stare blankly and I think of then
I miss knowing your mine,
I miss knowing exactly how and when.

Your closeness now feels so different,
Your so near, it feel so distant.
I wanT to reach out and touch your face,
I want to get lost in your embrace.

I want to kiss you when you least expect it
I want to wake up to your hot breath on my hair,
I want your baby face to be only mine,
I want to hold u when your low, I want to end your despair.

I wish life was easy,
I wish dreams came true,
I Wish you'd see
How much I want to be there for you.

"you're gone away....you dont feel me ...in here.....anymore"

Not again. i have so many words but they all just mean one thing. RAAKINA.

He used to watch her every move with hazel eyes full of adoration.Everything that came out of her small pouty lips was delightful and full of life.Time spent with her was never dull, never wasted. She seemed so carefree. Everything she did, she did it because she realllly genuinely wanted to. He wondered if she would want him the same way she wanted to gorge on 5 donuts and grin sheepishly once they were over or the way she was up for walks or drives in the middle of the night no matter how tired she was a few hours ago or the way she wanted to live life without regretting anything.
He wanted her.That's All he could think of whenever she was around.In fact that's all he could think about when she wasn't around either.
He loved waking up to the sound of her heavy breathing in the far end of the room,and wondered when the far end would become so close that he could feel her hot breath on his neck as she slumbered on his chest.


Her:
I know he cares.But I am a mere want.How am I supposed to give in when I know that I'm just someone and not the ONE.Im afraid...afraid to fall once again,Afraid that I might let one of my impulsive mindsets control me.He is lovely, he is the epitome of someone dependable ,someone trustworthy and honest. Honesty is my weakness.Resisting someone in the other end of the same 500 sq foot room is difficult.Resisting making eye contact,smiling when you really want to,making an effort to please someone become hard as you get closer.You often persist what you resist,someone dear once told me.
I resisted....I persisted...but he cannot know.

So trapped in my own fear,
So weary of wondering what's true
SO scared of letting myself fall again,
So unsure, so naive , all I want to do is trust you


Is it too soon, Am I being daft,
I think about you all the time,
And I can't hold back no more
I wanna tell you so much, Im too scared it will show.

Im walking on air, with a smile plastered on,
It's all because of you,
Its been so long since ive felt this way i'd almost forgotten
what its like to be liked, to be spoiled rotten.

You've got me stuck on the threshold now,
With your strong grip and steadfast persistence,
How am I supposed to shrug off that smile,
How long can I hold on to this resistance?

Been broken once and broken twice
There's not much left to break,
What I need now is honesty,
An equal give and an equal take


So,When you're looking at me like that,
Tell me, is it really me you see?
Or an illusion of someone not here?
An illusion that's reflecting in my every tear...

Things i need to do in the next week

SO...

# 1 A super hot boy so he can make me hot cocoa and give me back rubs...*sigh* NO!!!!!

OK real # 1 : Assignments . 2 of them in the next 2 days!!2 next week plus workshop the week after..which leads me to point #2

# 2 LIVE AT UNI...might as well take a suitcase with me.

#3 Secret work project that just got added to the list!! Need to finish TONIGHT..no biggie...i can manage...Just need to set this time machine on...erm maybe 2 years ago!!!!

#4 Start living like a normal person. I.E eat !!! SLEEP!!! exercise!!!
Not happening this week so i don't know why i bothered to write it down.Self pity,its called, I've been told..:P

#5 BUY 2 PAIRS OF SHOES.STRONG ONES.that do NOT effing decide to detach pieces when I'm having days LIKE THESE!!!ARGHH

# 6 Buy sweater dress...maybe 2:p I need them okay! it says so in the "how to look like an accomplished writer" Book . How else am i going to convince people to read my stuff??

#7 soak up whatever's left of the sun!Its not going to last long I've been warned!

#8 PAY RENT!!!!

#9 Find friend who works at sushi place!!! HIGH PRIORITY!!

#10 RELAX...i really really need to:(

Dis iz ma lazt trsH tok post

*strecthes arm outwards* I, Tianna Simone Niriksha Coelho a.k.a Fairy rabbit:p hereby solemnly pledge my sincere respect to English because even though the people took over my home land 60 years ago i still appreciate them for giving me crumpets and hot british men with killer accents.No, really though. I pledge that AFTER this post i will speak(type) FULL spellings and disapprove of all cyber convenience spellings and text message trash talk ON THIS BLOG.

** Exceptions include all words that are created by me. HINT: these words will have a 'ness."ator' or "ating" where its not supposed to be.


ok so nw dat im hea! i haf no idea wat im gonna be writing bout!n 2 mak id worse der r red lines evrywhea!i beez a total waste of humanity lol.i dun even tok leik dis neway. Nw i realize wot a wazte of a gud space of blogging dis is. stubborn much?yez!i wont stp ,ill kip it goin baby,yea yeaa wao waooooo waooo! no dat is not short for wow!

OK i cannot i cannot do this! i realise i have wasted my only chance to be a lazy cyber talkenator(read HINT)
assignments, assignments ,paniccccccc,a the disco? unwantedddd thoughts!random words, sock, nick, fiction writing , STORYYYYYYYY...ookaybye!